October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. In 2024, an estimated 310,720 women will receive an invasive breast cancer diagnosis in the U.S., and 16% will be in women younger than 50 years of age. See Breast Cancer Facts and Statistics, available at https://www.breastcancer.org/facts-statistics (last visited October 6, 2024). Less than 1% of all breast cancers in the U.S. occur in men. See id. Women made up 39% of the legal profession in the U.S. as of the end of 2023. See American Bar Association, Profile of the Legal Profession 2023, available at https://www.abalegalprofile.com/women.html (last visited October 6, 2024).
I won the lottery in which I never wanted to be a contestant. I received my diagnosis of Grade II, hormone positive, HER-2 negative, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma with Lobular Features in March 2024. I had just turned 45 in February. And so, this sandwich generation woman lawyer began her cancer journey. Between April and now, that journey has included pre-surgery medication treatment, two surgeries, 25 radiation treatments, and starting the first of two (2) hormone blockers. My remaining journey includes adjusting to both hormone blockers in the coming months and final reconstruction surgery in late Spring of 2025.
Cancer surgery and treatments often have harsh effects, both physically and emotionally. I am grateful that I was able to take disability leave from my job and that there were people to help me physically after my surgeries, provide all necessary care for my son, and check in on and assist my mother as needed (see the prior installments in this series for more details relating to my mother and son). However, these things did not relieve the guilt, fear, grief, vulnerability, loneliness, insufficiency, and lack of control – to name only some of the many feelings racing through my mind in the days and months following my diagnosis.
These feelings, many of which, if I’m being honest, I felt even before the cancer diagnosis, create a unique challenge for women lawyers who feel we must project competence and control in a demanding profession. As a woman lawyer in the sandwich generation, life can feel like a never-ending juggling act. You’re balancing the demands of a challenging career, managing your romantic relationships, caring for your children, and supporting your aging relatives – all while trying to maintain some semblance of your well-being and, sometimes, as in the case of personal illness, having to focus on yourself out of sheer life-or-death necessity. The pressure to hide vulnerability behind a professional facade can be immense for all lawyers, but especially for women lawyers.
A Stoic Perspective
Enter Stoicism and its fundamental principles. Stoicism is a more than 2,000-year-old Greek philosophy that offers valuable principles for coping with adversity with greater ease, resilience, and inner peace. It suggests that individuals focus on things within their control and accept things outside their control with equanimity. While its roots are ancient, Stoicism’s principles remain applicable in modern-day life. I wish I had understood and adopted Stoic principles years ago, as they have proven transformational in navigating the pothole-ridden road of my life as a women lawyer in the sandwich generation. I hope they are helpful to you, too.
1. Focusing on What We Can Control: “The more you seek to control external events, the less control you will have over your own life.” ~Epictetus As lawyers, parents (of both humans and/or fur babies), and caregivers of aging relatives, our plates are full – often overflowing. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by our numerous responsibilities. Stoicism suggests focusing on what we can control at any given moment. Instead of worrying about the outcome of a case, Stoicism suggests we focus only on preparing to the best of our ability. Instead of stressing about our aging loved one’s health, we can focus on providing them the best quality of life. According to the Stoics, by concentrating on what we can control, we can experience less anxiety and feel more empowered.
2. Practicing Acceptance: “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” ~Marcus Aurelius There will be times when things don’t go as planned or as we wanted them to go. Cases are lost, children get sick, we get sick, relationships hit snags, and aging relatives face setbacks. Stoicism teaches acceptance of what is. Stoicism offers a framework within which we can address and resolve external events without judgment rather than perceiving things as adverse events happening to us. This enables us to cultivate and return to internal peace more easily.
Acceptance does not mean acquiescence. Rather, it means focusing only on what we can control and influence. Sometimes, however, obstacles can help us forge a new path, provide us with new opportunities, or help us discover something new about ourselves, others, or life. The Stoic ideal is “amor fati,” which translates to “love of fate” or “love of one’s fate.” It is a wholehearted acceptance of whatever events occur in our life as being those that were meant to occur. While I am not fully there yet, before returning to work after my second surgery and in the midst of my radiation treatments, I had the phrase tattooed on my inner forearm as a gentle reminder to me always.
3. Embracing Imperfection: “It’s not things that upset us, but our judgments about things” ~Epictetus. We’re doing our best to juggle many roles. Inevitably, we’ll sometimes drop one of the many balls. Stoic principles can help us to embrace imperfection. When we make a mistake, Stoicism teaches us to avoid the urge to add internal judgment on ourselves because of the mistake. Instead, Stoic principles help us to acknowledge the error, learn from it, and keep moving forward. There is no such thing as perfection in the absence of judgment. All that matters is our intention, effort, and willingness to grow.
4. Prioritize Inner Strength: “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is already within yourself, your way of thinking.” ~Marcus Aurelius Stoicism emphasizes building inner strength and resilience – what Stoicism refers to as our Inner Citadel. This means taking care of our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Make time for self-care, even for a few quiet moments each day. Some examples include mindfulness, meditation, yoga, professional counseling, and other strategies that cultivate inner calm and focus. The Stoics believe that the stronger we are internally, the better we can navigate life’s many challenges because external things will not affect us.
5. Live with Intention: Stoicism encourages living in alignment with our values. In the busyness of life, it’s easy to lose sight of what matters. Stoicism suggests we reflect on our core values and priorities—what the Stoics refer to as virtues, which are divided into the four main categories of courage, wisdom, temperance, and justice. We can ask ourselves if our time and energy are aligned with our values and make adjustments as needed to live a more intentional life.
The last two principles of Stoicism discussed above implicate the “b” word. No, not that one! BOUNDARIES. I don’t know about you, but setting and keeping boundaries – in my professional and personal lives – hasn’t been my forte, to put it gently. I’ve started to learn that boundaries are essential to my mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Without my mental, emotional, and physical well-being, I am unable to give my best in my personal and professional lives. While I wish it didn’t take cancer to help me understand the importance of boundaries, I am very glad I have. And I’d venture to say so are my loved ones and my colleagues.
Conclusion/Suggested Stoic Resources
Being a woman lawyer in the sandwich generation is undeniably challenging. By applying Stoic principles, we can navigate the challenges – whether in our career, with our partners, with our children, with our aging relatives, or within ourselves – with more grace, resilience, and inner peace. By focusing on what we can control, practicing acceptance, embracing imperfection, creating and strengthening our inner citadel, and living with intention, we might not only survive life’s many challenges but also thrive in the face of and, perhaps, even because of them.
Embracing Stoicism has not only helped me traverse the unexpected and unwanted breast cancer journey on which I’ve been since March, but it has also reduced my anxiety, strengthened my interpersonal communication skills, and provided me a sense of peace and general contentment. For those who may be interested in learning more about Stoicism, I suggest the following initial readings and resources:
- The Beginner’s Guide to Stoicism: Tools for Emotional Resilience and Positivity, Matthew Van Natta
- A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, William B. Irvine
- The Obstacle is the Way, Ryan Holiday
- https://dailystoic.com/, Ryan Holiday
- The Daily Stoic Podcast, Ryan Holiday (available on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music, etc.)
