As a divorce and family law attorney, I often begin consultations by asking clients to share their stories. Some aren't sure where to start, so I encourage them to begin wherever it feels comfortable—whether that's the relationship's beginning, their current situation working backward, or a combination organized by topic or timeline.
After clients share their stories, hopes, desires, and fears, many conclude with the same sentiment: "It's all my fault." This is where lawyers provide both legal advice and counseling. While legal advice addresses the law itself, counseling involves perspective, approach, and finding law-based solutions. Though we're not mental health professionals, we have a responsibility to be honest with clients about their realities.
Fault in divorce is a sensitive topic. In Iowa, we have no-fault divorce, meaning we don't adjust financial positions based on someone's actions. We generally don't consider issues like extramarital affairs as reasons to restrict a parent's access to their child.
When clients say "It's all my fault," they're often repeating what their spouse has told them. They believe if they had done something differently, the marriage would have survived. This internal conflict is challenging.
What many fail to recognize is that people typically grow apart rather than together. Spouses often become inattentive to each other's needs, beliefs, hobbies, and daily experiences. Without regular engagement, they don't grow together but instead grow apart. I visualize this as tree branches that, instead of growing taller while maintaining independence, grow horizontally away from each other. The connection fades, and the relationship's health stagnates.
Yes, there are specific faults and reasons for divorce. However, the failure to grow together is what typically leads to extramarital affairs, financial problems, child-rearing disagreements, and conflicts about how to live life. From my experience with hundreds, if not thousands, of divorces, this applies to at least 95% of my clients.
One service many divorce attorneys overlook is asking potential clients if they want to explore marriage counseling, therapy, or individual counseling. There's no reason to dissolve a marriage if the relationship has genuine potential for repair. Surprisingly perhaps, in the last 10 years, I've had about a dozen couples successfully reconcile and remain together. While not an astronomical number, everything in a divorce—even prior to filing—is worth exploring.
Make sure the attorney you select is attuned to life's realities, ready to help not only with potentially dissolving your marriage but also with providing the tools you need to flourish, whether you choose divorce or reconciliation.
