The Busywork of Preparing for College

Whether it’s your first, middle, or last child, sending a child off to college remains difficult for parents. They don’t call it “empty nest syndrome” for nothing. Let’s face it, parenting has been all-consuming for the past eighteen years. Whether it’s potty training, helping your child through braces and puberty, or navigating athletics and the college search, parents have a hard time downshifting to what will be random texts or, if you are lucky, phone calls, and seeing your kid on vacations. Rather than focusing on those feelings, parents can become quite “busy” helping their son or daughter get ready for college. It’s so easy to get lost getting final vaccinations, wisdom teeth removed, and deciding whether to ship or pack in a car and drive the college necessities. After doing the packing, parents wonder if they are still relevant.

The Essential Conversation

We’re here to tell parents that not only are they relevant, but they are essential to securing their student’s success in college. In fact, we’re also here to ask—no, beg—parents to take a pause on the packing and consider having one last conversation before drop-off day at college. We don’t care if this conversation happens during the drive or plane ride (although it’s cutting it short), but the conversation must happen. Why, you ask? In our experience, parents who stay on top of the problems that occur at school are more likely to have students who either avoid issues or get help sooner from their parents if a problem arises.

Here are our top ten talking points for this conversation. This conversation can easily be broken down into chunks for “mini” conversations.

1. Binge drinking

Parents need to acknowledge that drinking happens at college. No matter what, students don’t need to partake in drinking an entire bottle of hard alcohol. Binge drinking leads to disasters, and getting “blackout,” “greyout,” or whatever is the current phrase du jour, is not worth the price of tuition. Over the years, we have worked on cases where binge drinking has led to sexual assault and death. Binge drinking just leads to heartbreaking tragedies.

2. Sexual Health

Parents must state, “If you are going to have sex, you must use condoms even if you or your partner is on birth control.” We have worked on many cases where women get pregnant, or both partners worry about STIs. We still have cases where students fail to use any birth control at all, even in states where abortion is restricted or unavailable. We just don’t understand why this happens when condoms can be purchased and packed along with toothpaste. Also, familiarize yourself and your child with Plan B or emergency contraceptives. Know the benefits and risks of this product, and if necessary, and if it comports with your family values, it doesn’t hurt to pack a Plan B in your student’s duffle for school.

3. Abstinence and Boundaries

If your religion or personal values call for waiting to have sex until marriage, don’t put yourself in a position where sex is inevitable. We have had many cases in the past few years where students who believe in abstinence until marriage are devastated when their virginity is lost with the wrong partner at the wrong time. Talk to your child and just give the simple reminder that you don’t need to watch a movie alone in a dorm room or apartment at 2:00 AM with someone, especially after a night of drinking.

4. Academic Integrity

Cheating has changed. Please make sure that your student understands the nuances of academic integrity cases. Did you know that you can get into trouble for self-plagiarism, which is reusing your own work? In some classes, collaborating with students is okay, and in other courses, collaboration is verboten. Likewise, professors vigilantly look for evidence that ChatGPT or other artificial intelligence is being used. Tell your students that after reading thousands of essays, it’s quite easy to see when a computer has generated the work. Also, colleges have their own computer software to detect cheating. Finally, for those parents with students who like to help others, please tell them that helping a buddy out by leaving a computer open or providing answers will bear the same consequence as being the actual cheater. Everyone has to struggle independently no matter what.

5. Hazing

Hazing is not bonding. Colleges are really cracking down on hazing. We’re not talking about the more serious rituals either. Hazing allegations have been applied to cleaning up a house after a party, getting food for a big brother or sister, and even doing exercises in the morning. Many parents recall their own pledge process with fondness. However, college administrators don’t share the same sentiment when a tragedy occurs and those institutions have to answer questions on how this could continue in this day and age.

6. Sexual Assault

If your student or a friend of your student is sexually assaulted, please get or encourage immediate medical care and attention. We have represented many victims over the years who take a shower instead of going to the hospital. Getting a rape kit can later support criminal prosecution and separation of the assailant from the university.

7. False Accusations

If your student is falsely accused of any type of misconduct, do not respond to an accusation in writing. Tell your student to stay calm and composed and do not feel the need to apologize just to make an accuser go away. We have represented many innocent students who just say sorry out of habit or desire to appear nice. The only appropriate response to a false accusation is either a flat denial or remaining silent.

8. Consent

You can never have too much consent. It might sound pedantic, but consent must be an ongoing conversation during a sexual experience. While consent can be conveyed by words or actions, the strongest and best way to obtain consent is through words. While it may kill the mood, consent must be obtained each time the sex progresses to the next level.

9. Hesitancy and Pressure

Consent must stop if there is any hesitancy by the other person. It’s never okay to pressure or talk someone into engaging in any sexual activity. Unless there is unbounded enthusiasm for sexual activity, consider taking a rain check.

10. Be A Good Person

Be a mensch! If you don’t know that word, we’re here for you, as always. A mensch is defined as someone with great character, knows right from wrong, and, as the saying goes, does the right things. In college language, here are our prime takeaways for being a mensch.

• Don’t let anyone walk home in the dark
• Don’t leave a friend alone at a party or bar
• Don’t let a friend drink too much
• Don’t date students in the same friend group, club or team
• Don’t engage in rough sex like choking or slapping with a stranger
• Follow-up with a text or call the day after being intimate
• Don’t hook-up with multiple partners on the same night
• Be kind to those kids who are neuro-diverse and have difficulty forming friendships
• Remember that getting into and attending college education is a privilege, not to be taken for granted, remain humble

Parents, you might think that this list covers the basics. We wish that were the case. Unfortunately, many students tell us that these crucial conversations are often only had with us for the first time!

You cannot go to college with your student, but your voice remains in his or her head. Think of yourself like a guardian angel always propped on your son or daughter’s shoulder. However, your voice won’t be as strong if not used and vocalized. It’s okay to say that your family stands for certain values. It’s okay to say that you love your child unconditionally. It’s okay to set rules when you are footing the bill.

And, here above all else, and which must be set apart from the list above is our final word of advice: Tell your child if you get into any trouble, just like E.T. (they may not know who that is, but you do) phone home!