Looking for a way to stop family arguments over politics? Well, who isn’t. A quick way to derail a familial political scuffle: Quietly announce that you want to talk about your will. The silence should be automatic.
It’s important to talk about your estate plan while you’re still around. An unexpected estate plan can leave your children blindsided upon your death, and may jeopardize their relationship, cause infighting, or result in protracted and costly litigation. Talking about it with your children will give them time to process the information and come to you with questions.
Discussing your estate plan can be uncomfortable; it represents the marriage of two difficult topics, death and money. Normalizing estate planning discussions, much like normalizing financial literacy, goes a long way to prepare your family. We prepare for unpleasant things all the time. If we can prepare for catching fire by learning to stop, drop, and roll we can certainly tackle estate planning.
How to start the conversation? Begin with one-on-one conversations with each person involved. Then tailor an ice-breaker question for the person you are talking to. The answers will help guide the conversation. Consider asking your adult child if they have a health care proxy. If they do, ask them how they chose their agent. If they say they don’t have a health care proxy, then you can discuss your wishes. “I just signed a health care proxy, I appointed Brooke as my first agent because Brooke is a health care professional, I appointed Dale as the next agent because Dale lives nearby, and I appointed you next.” “I want to let you know why I appointed your siblings in the order I did. I also want to discuss my medical wishes with you.”
Providing salient explanations can reduce conflict. Even adult children can suffer from “I’m not the favorite” syndrome.
Once the ice is broken with health care it will be easier to discuss financial matters. “I also signed a power of attorney. I named you first, followed by Dale and then Brooke. I know how organized you are and this way, if I can’t manage, you and Brooke can work together and neither of you will have everything on their plate.” Make it clear that you recognize each child’s skill set while focusing on their strengths and making it clear that the planning is meant to take care of you.
Another difficult “must have” discussion relates to people who have children with special needs, substance-abuse issues, or marital or financial problems. In many cases, it makes sense to establish trusts for loved ones who have special circumstances to make sure their inheritance is protected. Choosing a trustee to administer the trust is an important decision. Ideally, you should choose someone the beneficiary is comfortable with and who is financially prudent. Also, the trustee should care about the beneficiary and understand their needs. Talking to the beneficiary and the trustee is very important; you want to make sure that everyone understands that no one is being punished or judged, but that you are looking out for their wellbeing.
Surprise estate planning can unfairly strain the relationships of surviving children, create an irretrievable loss of trust, and compound the sadness of parental loss. Sharing your estate planning can avoid hurt feelings and unanswered questions.
