There is this scene in the comedy, Top Secret! where Nick Rivers (played by Val Kilmer) is having a nightmare that he’s back in school and has no idea where the college final is. He wakes up and realizes he’s being tortured and his happier with being tortured, knowing the college final drea, was a nightmare.

When I was younger and for decades, I would have a recurring dream that I was in school and I didn’t attend class the whole year and my graduation depended on that class. It was a little disconcerting when I’d have this “dream” years after I graduated. A friend from college said this recurring dream/nightmare was a fear of failure.

Living in my house with two overbearing parents who would verbally attack me if I didn’t do well in school, that fear seems to be justified. It was to the point of not disappointing them and avoiding the abuse, that I would lie about my grades or keep bad information about school from them. Lying is wrong, but when you want to avoid verbal abuse, you’ll do the wrong thing.

The fear of failure meant to me, that every little setback was going to be the end of the world. Whether it was the C+ in Civil Procedure I or not finding that first legal job so quickly, every piece of bad news would be some form of tragedy. It would even lead to issues at my first job where any crack by my boss, would lead me to be emotional and worried that I’d be fired pretty quickly.

The problem I learned was that no matter what I did, I could never please my parents. They had a high standard for me and a lower standard for everyone else, whether it was my sister, my brother-in-law (my mother idolized his folding techniques because he worked at the Gap once), or my Aunt and former Uncle who needed constant financial bailouts. The moment I became estranged from my parents, the moment those bad nightmares dissipated. I no longer had a fear of failure, I learned not to worry about things I couldn’t control.

When Hurricane Sandy decimated my home in October 2012 and no family member came to see whether my wife and kids lived or died, I didn’t panic and persevered. I thought of my grandparents and their tribulations during the Holocaust, losing so many relatives, but willing themselves to survive. I think that moment, I learned to see the light and not fear failing. 14 years later after starting my practice and dealing with so many financial issues over that time, I’ve paid off my mortgage and have enough of a nest egg to pay for my kids’ college and maybe buy another house. I may have a setback or two, but I will not fail and I will no longer dream about failing.